fight club (this broadcast recommends no parental guidance)

Reality tv is a ludicrous moniker. It's pure escapism for viewers who are not sharing that particular reality - so therefore it's just RealPeople tv. I've never had to milk cows, like on The Farm; and I don't think I can dance, but it's fun to watch people who think they can.

But for those for whom it is a sort of reality, I think it would be a different story. Real survivors of shipwrecks wouldn't sit, cracked-lipped and compulsed by Survivor, for instance. Dr Livingstone I doubt would be itching to watch I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (here, for you trash-tv heathens, being junglish environs). And for that reason I won't be watching Boys and Girls Alone. 

Boys and Girls Alone? Oh, it's a show that looks at 'what happens' when a bunch of kids, age 8-11, are left to their own devises. Sensible pitch, I think you'll agree. But apparently it's not reality tv pap, it's a ‘social experiment’, so that's okay. 

Hmmm. Seeing as we can stab a guess at the outcome – we’ve read Lord of the Flies and seen the outstanding behaviour of Britain and America's lawless gangs – can anyone tell me to what possible purpose we'd put the results of this ‘social experiment’?

To see if we could get away with employment cuts in the childcare sector? It's the only sensible conclusion I can draw.

In privileged societies, children remain with grown-ups until they are of a certain age for a reason. Because they’re too young to look after themselves, der. Now Big Brother I can understand. It, too, has no purpose really, but it was fun for the first season. After that it just got silly, despite the promised 'twists'. Even Bigger Big Brother, Evil Big Brother, Predictable Big Brother... It was reality, it wasn't televison, it should never run again. But it was a kind of experiment. A ratings one.

But Girls and Boys Alone (what's with the title? Surely they could think of something better, like, um, Million Dollar Babies)? Social experiment my arse. It’s child expoitation, tv comissioners’ desperation and possibly something social services look at along with a Watchdog.

But media morality aside, I won't be watching it because it's already my reality, and the reality of many with two kids or more. We can't watch them every single minute of the day, sometimes, when I'm working, it will be an hour (or two). And in those cases, this is what happens: the kids play, the kids argue, the kids fight, the kids cry. Then the kids get hauled across the coals by a parent and made to apologise.

To run this scenario without the final parental intervention is tantamount to 'sport'. And considering Golding's tale was softly echoed by a knife-weilding incident on the show, we could go as far as to say - sitting in our armchairs eating tv dinners glued to events as they unfold - that it's a Blood Sport. Even if there's no claret, the scratches could go deeper. Bullying, teasing, taunting - oh yeah, it's just for show. They're resilient, they'll bounce back...

And where will the show's editors draw the line? After all it's conflict that makes good television, not a bunch of kids playing hopscotch...

If people are that eager to watch brats brawl then I'll link up my webcam. You can gawk at mine. All I need do is put them in a room with a single chocolate or one Wii hand set and Kaboom! It'll get great ratings, my kids will be stars and the endorsements for Dettol, Savlon and BandAid can pay for their therapy.

Read the Times Online article here 

And the Daily Mirror feature here