satisfaction not guaranteed

Oliver Burkeman in the Guardian 

The subject is 'does being a parent give you life satisfaction"...

Oliver Burkeman tackles a subject we hold far from our hearts, lest they burst and haemorrage all that pent of frustration of unfulfillment all over the carpet we've just bleached clean of child sick (sniff... why is it always parmesan?).

He tackles it. But despite the promising title - This Column Will Change Your Life - he doesn't really deliver answers or provide escape routes for those of us who have been taken in by the neon marketing of procreation and are suffering the aftershock. Horse, gate, bolted. Toothpaste, tube, put back. Can't, really.

Oliver's feature is based on a study that shows no, no - having children does not make you fulfilled. And the knee-jerk reaction is to say 'no shit, sherlock' and list the brick-in-face evidence of why this is so:

a) cinema, theatre, performing arts - was it just a dream? b) a recommended book could be as good as advised but only being able to read two pages at a time... you'll never know. c) travel - painfully limited, and costs how much? School holiday levy, you say? d) romance chivalrously makes way for its less sexy cousin: teamwork.

But it's toughie. For Oliver, and others like him who haven't yet had children, this study would appear to highlight areas of the unknown. But how controlled a social experiment was it? Did it really illuminate every corner of the debate? Did it show that by comparison, couples who did not have children were deliriously more satisfied with their life come the time of the grim reaper and salmon mousse? Or was it one-sided?

Human nature always likes to walk on the greener-grass side and for many (not all, Polly Vernon, not all) who do not have kids - so surely when the bars, restaurants, city breaks and treks up, down and around Peru lose their pizzazz; or, more likely, when it's all too late and the choice is removed - a sudden sense of 'oh crap' must descend eventually. Just as for those who dive under the covers and emerge with babes at the breast (not of the Johnny Depp kind (now, there's satisfaction)), there must be a similar sense of 'oh crap' - probably topped off with 'is this it?'

Like the essence of romance doesn't the notion of life satisfaction always lie just out of reach? Set in the fulfilled future based on the promises of the present? And in the age of convenience can we ever have life fulfillment - can it ever get so much better than we have it now? For child-free couples can it get better than having the luxury of sponaneity? For parents, can it ever get better than a child who has got the giggles, big time? We think it can, we always think it can. And because of that we'll never be fully satisfied.

I think there probably was a time when having children 'in the moment' was fulfilling. It was a time when family-run businesses with the suffix '-son' were actually passed to the next generation and not sold to the highest bidding property developer; a time when mother's pride wasn't a brand of bread but a badge of achievement - achievements being children who weren't brought home by a pinched ear and a kindly officer of the law. But thanks to world travel, the world wide web, the lure of celebrity and the desire to leave artistic legacy (bring on the blogs), achievement means so much more. After all, anyone who can have a kid can have a kid, can't they?

I envy those who 'just wanted to be a mum' - and despite how it reads I don't mean that to be condescending. Someone who 'just wanted to be a mum' is someone who hasn't allowed the ego to surpass the self; it's someone who has let the gene be selfish as opposed to the being. And for women who 'just wanted to be a mum' I seriously wish them total fulfillment, and I am certain that the rogue percentage who were happier after having children in this intriguing study were made of these retro-pioneers, these families who remained true to life's essentials, rather than being distracted by life's accessories.

Unfortunately I'm not one of them. I had children because my body told me to, and the shock horror report that having children does not make you happier - shock, horror - comes as no surprise. Tell that to someone who can't have kids... I'm aware of the perceived lack of tact, and all too aware of the irony....

And while I can see how the landmarks - teeth, school, exams, coming of age, career, marriage, grandkids - can tweak the peaks in the fulfillment graph, the in-betweens - the battles of will, the worry, the eternal worry of external influence and internal conflict... For me, the troughs don't sensationalise the highs; the highs just give me a moment to catch my breath.

To end a not particularly coherent missive: why is money going towards funding these studies? Studies that show that having children does not create happiness... a) is not going to stop people having kids, and b) is not going to make anyone happy. And the risk is it will be taken out of context, and parents will mess up their kids with tit-for-tat blame - oi, you little runt, I was happy before you came along and I have a scientific study to prove it. No mention of GFC, lack of self-motivation, general optimism and contentment with lot.

Life satsifaction guarantee? It still lies in a Willy Wonka golden ticket.

Comments

[Rachel]

I know I know... I guess I didn't word it very well; what I meant to say was although I gripe about havings kids, how can I be so sure that I'd be fulfilled without them? How can anyone be sure? These 'studies' make us think, but don't offer information that could be deemed relevant to anything or serve any purpose... And yes, the kids will be handed over just as soon as you're in throwing distance! xxx

[Jill Brierley]

Made me think....did having kids make me happy?? I'm looking back over a looooooong time now, so the sleepless nights and the energy sapping roller coaster years of daily family dramas, juggling too many domestic crises while desperately trying to maintain a sense of personal self-identity through developing a feeble career have faded into the background. Yes, I did get enormous pleasure and satisfaction from having kids, but always tempered with worry and guilt as I recognised my inadequacies and mistakes - think of the psychological damage I am causing these poor defenceless creatures.

I suppose I never had a burning desire to make my mark in the world so that made it all easier. And it's certainly true that having kids is a good distraction from other major personal problems in life - you just have to get on with it.

But now I must tell you that the myth is true. Grandchildren make it all soooooooo worthwhile. So hang on in there Rachel, your time will come, and meanwhile gimme gimme gimme your gorgeous kids from time to time so I can spoil them rotten and you can have a breath of fresh air for a while. I come with good references.